This is actually a very common topic in r/Sex and the first few times I saw it I thought it was quite odd that it was even being brought up. Over the past couple of years, I would say that this is actually brought up several times a week in the subreddit. Let’s talk about it.

There are a couple of things to unpack here and I don’t think there is a single answer to it, but I want to dig into a couple of things that can explain this.

Insecurities

This is pretty similair to some of issues I brought up in the article Uncovering the Roots of Sex Toy Insecurities. One person may feel that their partner is masturbating because they don’t want their partner or that they prefer masturbation over sex. This is almost never the case. Some people simply have a higher sex drive than their partner and feel they need to take care of things themselves once in a while. Sometimes someone just has “an itch to scratch” and just need a little release. There are people that masturbate for stress release. None of these have anything to do with their partner or lack of desire.

Religious Beliefs

Most certainly, some people have hangups about masturbation for religious beliefs. Some religions teach that masturbation is wrong and sex should always be between the husband and wife. This can certainly create issues if the person doing the self-love does not have that belief background.

Is it Cheating?

The short answer here is “it depends”. If one person has expressed that they feel that watching porn is wrong and considers that cheating in way, and the person doing the masturbating is using porn to get stimulated. Then this can be considered cheating based on that specific relationship. Cheating is not a sex act in and of itself, cheating is doing something even though it has been agreed upon to not do that thing. It is a betrayal of trust.

Does it affect the couple’s sex?

This is another “it depends” situation. Some people believe that male masturbation lowers testosterone and makes actual sex more difficult. There is absolutely zero basis in fact, and studies have shown the exact opposite effect. However, a real effect, experienced by some men, is that they have a long refractory period and masturbating can make actual sex more difficult to perform. Now, if someone is using masturbation to REPLACE sex with their partner, this is an entirely different situation and needs to be addressed.

My Personal Experience

I am going to share my personal experience and situations as I feel they have been generally healthy and positive. Both my first wife and my current wife have had zero issues with me rubbing one out when I need to. I have always had a high sex drive and sometimes the urge that hits me. My wife and I sleep naked and will usually cuddle for a bit in the morning, well sometimes ol Mister Happy down there gets a bit excited and as my wife is heading to the bathroom, she will even ask if I need some lube to take care of things. She sees I am aroused and she doesn’t have the time to help because she has to get ready for work, so she is totally fine with me taking care of myself. There is no reason for any jealousy, resentment, or judgement, those would be major turn-offs for me.

Summary

So…where does this leave us? I cannot tell you what is right or wrong inside of YOUR relationship, that is for you and your partner to decide on together. Is masturbating wrong in MY relationship, no, it is encouraged on both sides which “I” believe is a much better approach. Take that for what its worth, my relationship is not yours. If you have a partner that has a problem with your having some “self love”, there is a reason behind it and it needs to be discussed and worked on.

Come join the discussion on Reddit at r/SexyFunAdvice